Call Me - Blondie 
Sunday, 9 December, 2012, 12:12 - Singles Of The 1980s
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call me blondie 1Despite it still being December, the Christmas theme has been temporarily paused to deal with lots of songs to do with telephones. This 1980 song from New York new wave popsters Blondie is called Call Me. Not 'maybe' but definitely. The cover sees Debbie Harry (later called Deborah Harold for some reason) sitting on the floor in what can only be presumed to be a black leather jacket. There is a key element missing from this cover, and that is any sign of a telephone. How can a song be called 'Call Me' without a telephone or some other type of communication apparatus being visible with which to make the call? The mind boggles at the lack of imagination of those responsible for preparing the singles cover artwork of the 1980s.

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call me blondie 2The revised version does not, in case you were wondering, feature a photograph of the previously mentioned Ms Harry/Harold/Whatever. Instead a young lady is pictured but very very importantly for a song called Call Me, she is holding a telephone. For some reason, all of her clothes seem to have fallen off and it it was not for the rather large 1980s telephone that she is holding in her hand, we would know far too much about the shaving habits of this poor girl. Actually, there is no reason to suppose that she is poor, and indeed anyone who had a telephone in the 1980s and could afford to hold lengthy conversations whilst naked, was perhaps better off than her lack of available clothes would lead you to presuppose.

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Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepson 
Saturday, 8 December, 2012, 12:58 - Singles Of The 2010s
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call me maybe carly rae j 1Was this the best (selling) song of 2012? Was this the most popular song of 2012? Who knows? Someone does! Carly Rae Jepson's epic pop song Call Me Maybe was certainly heard on every radio station across the country, even those who only play country, such was it's popularity. The cover sees Ms Jepson squatting down in a pair of shorts and tan colored high heel shoes. She also wears this outfit in the video which is a cutesy story of how she is keen for some guy to call her and tries to give him her number, only to discover that he is gay and that he is more interested in the band's drummer than in her. Maybe she didn't try hard enough with her outfit and had she worn something a little sexier, she might have secured the affections of the male.

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call me maybe carly rae j 2Clearly the lady on the revised cover of Call Me Maybe is not Ms Jepson, and nor does she have the same kind of cutesy teenager-in-love look. What she does appear to have are some rather large and fulsome boobs which are only covered by the cord of the telephone handset. In fact the whole of her seems to only have the twirly cord for cover. That and a strategically placed hand and the rather retro looking telephone itself. Now this is much more like the kind of outfit to wear if you are going to tempt some hopelessly bisexual guy to put down the drummer and make a beeline for you. Don't you think?

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Last Christmas - Wham! 
Friday, 7 December, 2012, 12:48 - Singles Of The 1980s, Christmas Crackers
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wham last christmas 1As it's December, the Holiday theme is continuing right on with another of those songs that only comes out at this time of year. Last Christmas by British group Wham! sees George Michael and his buddy rueing the fact that last year they gave their hearts to someone or other, but the next day those self-same hearts were given away. Presumably to charity. Anyhow, this year, to save them from tears, they are going to give them to someone special. Presumably last year's recipient was not special which was what caused the problem in the first place. The cover sees the Wham! duo dressed in festive outfits (one as a reindeer and the other in the usual Santa lookalike kit) holding presents in the snow. How Christmassy.

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wham last christmas 2What we see in the updated version are the recipients of last year's hearts. It is reasonably clear to see why the Wham! boys were attracted to these two ladies and what might therefore have caused them to give their hearts away. It is also not too difficult to see that they are also not particularly special, and have the kind of smile which just screams, "Don't give me your heart, you idiot, because I will take it to the charity outlet as soon as the sun rises." You can tell they're not that special as their Holiday outfits are green and not red, which is both erroneous (only elves where green, humans should wear red) and would have jarred badly with the boys' outfits.

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Merry Christmas - Mariah Carey 
Thursday, 6 December, 2012, 12:38 - Albums Of The 1990s, Christmas Crackers
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mariah carey merry christmas 1Mariah Carey's 1994 album 'Merry Christmas' contains, amongst other songs, probably the most famous (and some would argue the most annoying) Holiday hit, 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'. The opening strains of 'Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding, Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding' are enough to send most people dashing for the volume control on their radios, some to turn the song up, some to turn the song down. On the cover we see Ms Carey kneeling in the snow in a Christmassy red jumpsuit. It would certainly be cold on the legs to do that, and it leads you to wonder whether the picture was taken in a studio and then massaged electronically. The wonders of modern technology.

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mariah carey merry christmas 2In this first revision to the cover of the album, we see a different lady, and not Ms Carey herself, but someone else in the same pose. Instead of wearing the red cat suit, she has instead opted for a red bikini with white trimming (perhaps she is Canadian). Presumably this costume would be even colder than that worn by Ms Carey and as such, the lady in the picture would have spent even less time in the freezing coldness of the outside. Or perhaps this was taken indoors and the picture somehow massaged electronically as well. The wonders of modern technology!

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mariah carey merry christmas 3In this final re-make of the cover of Ms Carey's Christmas album, Ms Carey has been replaced by a cartoon character instead of a real person. This is not the first time such a thing has happened, and many pop stars have found themselves cartooned in some form or another. In this case the cartoon in question is wearing a similar red jumpsuit to Ms Carey but it is open at the top revealing what, for any cartoon, is quite an impressive bust. The name of the lady is not know, however as she is a cartoon character it seems only right that she should have a name, and thus she will henceforth be known as 'Christmas Lady with Busty Jumpsuit', or perhaps 'Clara Christmas' or maybe 'Mrs Booblay' (the latter of course, only applicable if she is Canadian).

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White Christmas - Bing Crosby 
Wednesday, 5 December, 2012, 12:35 - Singles Released Before 1960, Christmas Crackers
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white christmas bing crosby 1Apparently, White Christmas as sung by Mr Bing Crosby is the best selling single of all time. There could be many reasons for this, for example:
  • It is played every Christmas, and is very popular, and will therefore have been purchased many times over.
  • It is the quintessential Christmas song and one which everyone wants in their collection, and will therefore have been purchased many times over.
  • It was made in 1941 and is so old that nearly 5 generations have had a chance to buy it, and it will therefore have been purchased many times over.
One thing that is clear though, is that unless you happen to like smiling crooners of the 1940s wearing holly for a bow tie, the cover of the single did not itself lead to many of those sales.

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white christmas bing crosby 2The younger generation are not normally drawn to pictures of old singers in sweaters, bobble-hats and with holly around their neck and it therefore seems possible that Mr Crosby's classic may fall from favor which would, of course be a crime. The cover of the single has therefore been revised by AllBum.Art to bring it up to date with modern seasonal standards. Instead of the smiling face of Mr Crosby, we see the smiling face of a young lady in a white bra, stood in front of a white Christmas tree. Of course, even this lady will eventually grow old but for now this represents a much more modern cover for the melodic winter classic.

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The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole 
Tuesday, 4 December, 2012, 12:27 - Singles Released Before 1960, Christmas Crackers
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nat king cole the xmas song 1As the Holiday season is fast approaching, it seems right to focus on seasonal songs, especially those that have stood the test of time. The Christmas Song, first recorded by Mr Nat King Cole in 1946 is one of those Christmas classics. Everyone knows the lyrics which revolve around Mr King Cole roasting chestnuts on an open fire. It is note clear whose chestnuts he is roasting (they could be his own or that of a guest who has called in to visit and brought them along), but the idea of an open fire and the chocolatey smooth voice of Mr Cole at Christmas time is enough to warm anyone's chestnuts.

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nat king cole the xmas song 2Through extensive research, it appears that it was in fact a rather sexy model whose chestnuts Mr King was attempting to roast. This alternative cover for the single shows the real situation. It is also possible that the chestnuts are metaphorical and are a saucy reference to the nuts on this lady's chest which are perilously close to the open fire such that they will no doubt be getting roasting hot. Then again, one suspects that in the presence of this lady, most things will get roasting hot. On the other hand, without the open fire, one wonders whether she would be racing to display her chestnuts as amply as she is doing here.

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Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee 
Monday, 3 December, 2012, 12:17 - Singles Released Before 1960, Christmas Crackers
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rockin round the xmas treeContinuin' with the Christmas theme, this time it is the turn of that Holiday classic, Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree. Though many versions of the song have been recorded over the years, this particular artwork is taken from the 1957 version sung by Brenda Lee, which many consider to be the original. In this cover, we see Ms Lee herself in a green dress set against a green background - not particularly inventive as color schemes go. It is fair to say that she doesn't look as if she is particularly full of seasonal spirit. But perhaps in Georgia from where Ms Lee originates, wearing a pretty dress is as much as anyone can afford to do and the idea of Santa hats or elf outfits is beyond folks' everyday means.

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rockin round the xxmas treeIn the revised single cover we see two ladies who are most definitely filled with the spirit of the season. This is evident as they appear to be sat in front of a Christmas tree in only their bikinis, playing in the snow. Without a bit of seasonal spirit to help keep them warm, one would expect them to seek somewhere less chilly to have their photos taken. Red bikinis with white fur are often popular in December, especially in Canada where they are obligatory for all women who are both under the age of 25 and under 125 pounds in weight. This law was enacted in 1925 and is known locally as the 25-25-125 rule. Although now somewhat outmoded, it is still popular and has defied attempts by the modern day legislature to nullify it.

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Let It Snow! - Michael Bublé 
Sunday, 2 December, 2012, 12:44 - Singles Of The 2000s, Christmas Crackers
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let it snow michael buble 1As Christmas approaches, attention is increasingly being turned to those old festive crackers. The cover for Canadian crooner Michael Bublé's 2003 EP 'Let It Snow!' has to be one of the least inventive pieces of album art for a Christmas song that has ever been produced. Remember that the song on which the title is based includes the line 'the weather outside is frightful', whilst the cover is all sparkly and icy and nice. There is no indication that the snowflakes will lead to frightful weather conditions. Added to this, Mr Bublé's smooth voice, the ensuing mood is more one of 'chestnuts roasting on an open fire', though presumably if Mr Bublé's chestnuts did roast on said fire, his voice might not be quite so smooth.

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let it snow michael buble 2Speaking of festive crackers and frightful weather, the girl here on the revised cover certainly does appear to be in inclement, snowy, weather conditions. Of course it goes without saying that if you insist on calling yourself 'Michael Booob-lay' when, in reality, your name would more averagely be pronounced 'Michael Bubb-ler' you will inevitably become the butt of boob gags. Sadly, at AllBum.Art, such a temptation was too much to resist and the lady on the front of the new cover is definitely and definitively more deserving of the title 'Boob-lay' than the erstwhile crooner from Canada.

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(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear - Elvis Presley 
Saturday, 1 December, 2012, 12:29 - Singles Released Before 1960
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teddy bear elvis presley 1(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear was a hit for Mr Elvis Presley in 1957 where it remained in the number 1 chart position for 7 weeks. The cover for the single features a happy and smiling Mr Presley holding up a teddy bear, with the clear intimation that Mr Presley himself is to be cuddled in the same fashion. Or perhaps it is meant to insinuate that Mr Presley is small and furry. Or that when he gets older he will become big and angry and attack tourists in the forests of Canada. As to the latter, we shall never know as sadly Mr Presley sadly passed away before he had a chance to move to Canada to live in the forest.

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teddy bear elvis presley 2Mr Presley would surely approve of the revised version. Be honest now, how many hot blooded males who live in Memphis, would not like to be this particular girl's teddy bear? Although, having said that, the way she seems to be dragging it along behind her perhaps indicates a little disrespect for her furry friend. Or perhaps she is is just very tired, and is on her way to bed and hasn't got the strength to carry him properly. It is clear that she is heading to the bedroom, as her outfit (or lack of it) would clearly be unsuitable for any other room of the house, or outdoors for that matter.

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Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) - Eurythmics 
Friday, 30 November, 2012, 12:59 - Singles Of The 1980s
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sweet dreams eurythmicsTo be brutal, Annie Lennox the lead singer of the Eurythmics, has always had a face that would cause nightmares more than it would 'Sweet Dreams'; her scary, androgynous looks being more akin to salt and vinegar chips than smooth silky chocolate. There are, of course, those who like salt and vinegar chips and in the words of Ms Lennox herself in this 1983 single, ‘Who am I do disagree?’ But the picture of Ms Lennox on cover, no matter how small, does not elicit dreams of the sugary kind. Notwithstanding Ms Lennox’s acerbic charm, Mr Dave Stewart her partner in the band who is not, thankfully, shown on the cover, would add little by the way of counterbalancing flavour, being similar in visage to an unfashionable porcupine.

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sweet dreams eurythmics 2The revised cover is definitely something that ‘sweet dreams are made of’. Sugar and spice and all things nice. Almost. But surely even the biggest sucrophobe¹ would have to admit that the selection of desserts is highly tempting. In the song Ms Lennox points out that ‘Everybody is Looking for Something’. The meaning of this is now much more apparent. Whilst some may seek one particular type of sucrolytic² satisfaction through, for example, the medium of cake, others may find similar satisfaction in buns or tarts. Paradoxically, tarts seem to be more favoured by men who like to try many different kinds until they find one they like, whereas buns are more often preferred by females who will often test to see how firm they are before deciding which one to take.

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¹ A ‘sucrophobe’ is someone who dislikes sugary things. ‘Sucro’ is taken from ‘sucrose’ meaning sugar, and ‘phobe’ is short for ‘phobia’ meaning ‘an irrational fear or aversion to something’.

² ‘Sucrolytic’ means ‘causing pleasurable collapse through sucrorial³ intake’. ‘Sucro’ is taken from ‘sucrose’ meaning sugar, and ‘lytic’ means ‘something that causes one to break down or become loose.

³ ‘Sucrorial’ means ‘relating to or connected with sucrose (sugar)’.
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