In The Navy - Village People 
Sunday, 16 December, 2012, 12:26 - Singles Of The 1970s
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village people in the navy 1"They want you, they want you, they want you as a new ree-kroot!" Who could forget the strains of this 1979 song from the Village People. In The Navy you can sail the seven seas. You can put your mind at ease. You can do all this in costumes ranging from a builder to a cowboy to an Apache Indian? Unlikely. Recruitment rules for the navy may have changed over the years and relaxed a little, but even now, turning up dressed as a biker with a long handlebar mustache and a studded leather jacket and hat is going to answer far too many questions that just don't even need asking in the first place.

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village people in the navy 2The Village People represent an image that is unlikely to attract that many people into the clutches of the navy. More recent attempts have been made to use music to recruit people into this fine organization such as the Simpsons (or more accurately the Party Posse) with their song Yvan Eht Nioj. But why not use the artwork of the cover of the single itself as the temptation. So here we are with the Village People replaced by the Village Person. The subliminal message in this cutey's eyes is most definitely one of joining with her. As for the navy, she has a hat doesn't she? She probably has a naval (navel see) too, though it isn't evident from this picture.

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Christmas Rappin' - Kurtis Blow 
Saturday, 15 December, 2012, 12:13 - Singles Of The 1970s, Christmas Crackers
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kurtis blow christmas rappin 1Can you believe that Kurtis Blow released this single in 1979. It is said by some people to be the first rap song ever released on a major record label. Whatever the true story, Christmas Rappin' is one of those songs that is always on the radio through the Holiday season. The cover for Mr Blow's single is, on the other hand, something that you would not want to see every season. First of all, it's a bit boring. But most of all, the bright red spots on the dull green background is, if you stare at it long enough, enough to make you go mad. Whether this was intentional is unknown. Perhaps it was meant to look like holly berries on a holly tree, but it doesn't. It looks like a sanity test from a mental asylum. Stare at it for a while, then close your eyes. Now, isn't that better?

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kurtis blow christmas rappin 2The main thing missing from the cover of Mr Blow's single is anything that needs wrapping or indeed unwrapping. To the psychedelic red-spots-on-a-green-background effect has been added a picture of a young lady who, it seems, is in the process of being unwrapped. How can you tell she is being unwrapped and not wrapped? In reality it is difficult, however the extent to which the wrapping paper is ripped suggests that it has been removed in an incoherent fashion, perhaps too quickly, suggesting that the person doing the unwrapping was over keen to get to the present that awaited underneath the paper. Christmas rappin' or Christmas rippin'? You decide.

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Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses 
Friday, 14 December, 2012, 12:56 - Singles Of The 1990s, Christmas Crackers
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the waitresses xmas wrapping 1'Tis the season to be jolly, being December, so time to return to the Holiday theme with this 1981 classic from The Waitresses. In the song, Christmas Wrapping, the waitresses appear to have forgotten something and call around at the shop to get it (cranberry sauce or some such necessity). Whilst at the shop, having decided that they won't be doo-ing Christmas, they bump into a guy who seems equally pissed at (or on) seasonal cheer and what do you know, they get it together and enjoy the day after all. Happily ever after, or at least until Boxing Day when they guy concerned wakes up and realizes that the cover of their single is one of the most boring Christmas pieces of album art that exists.

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the waitresses xmas wrapping 2In the new cover, we now see two young ladies who could very much be waitresses dressed in festive outfits ready to wait upon those in need of seasonal sustenance. They seem in a very cheerful mood and are giving each other a hug. No doubt it's a bit cold in December wearing just a red bikini and a Santa hat. Note that the bikinis do not have any white fur trimming, and therefore the ladies are clearly not Canadian. If these are indeed the Waitresses, then perhaps the guy they meet at the store wakes up happier than he has previously been given credit for. If only this had been the original cover for the single, they might have got an offer from the guy (or many others) without the need to have driven down to the shops.

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The Wedding Album - Duran Duran 
Thursday, 13 December, 2012, 12:39 - Albums Of The 1990s
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duran duran wedding album 1This album art from the 1993 album by British rocksters Duran Duran very much plays to the title of the album which is 'The Wedding Album'. The photos on the cover are most definitely taken at a wedding of some kind, though they appear to be much older than the album itself, looking as if they are from the 1950s rather than the 1990s. Then again, perhaps people in Britain still cling to some outdated traditions (such as 'chips and fish') as with their Canadian brethren. In fact, it could very much be that the pictures are from 1990s Canada, as they look as if they could be from another age gone by and lost in the mists of some lakes or something of that nature.

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duran duran wedding album 2It is well known that in their heyday Duran Duran attracted many an attractive lady or two to their concerts and later back stage. It is fitting that the revised version of the cover for their Wedding Album contains pictures of those kind of ladies (whatever 'those kind' are) dressed variously, or undressed variously, in wedding outfits of various kinds. Whether or not lead singer Simon Le Bon would be attracted to ladies of this kind back then, back stage or anywhere else is unknown, however it seems unlikely that Mr Le Bon, being an English gentleman (though with a strange French name) would deny any of these ladies some chips and fish if they asked for it (which they seem to be doing).

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My Old Piano - Diana Ross 
Wednesday, 12 December, 2012, 12:27 - Singles Of The 1980s
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diana ross my old piano 1Ah, the old piano of Ms Diana Ross. Probably worth a fortune. But alas, it does not appear on the cover of this 1980 single by the erstwhile Ms Ross. What can have happened to it? Perhaps the piano in question is in the photograph that has been used for the cover of the single, but that the artwork director (or whoever it was that was responsible for the design) has used such a close-up of Ms Ross that the piano is lost so far in the background that it is no longer visible. Is it, perhaps, a grand piano, or something smaller. Or could it have been a state-of-the-art electronical piano that could plug directly into a recording desk? In the words of Ms Ross, 'I have a ball with My Old Piano', so perhaps it is somehow broken and needs the ball to fix it which is why it is not in the picture.

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diana ross my old piano 2The updated single cover sees Ms Ross replaced by another lady, who, as far as is evident from the facts at hand, could equally be called Ms Ross, but probably isn't. The new lady (Ms Ross or otherwise) is sat on a piano stool with a piano behind her, now clearly visible in the picture. It seems, though, that the piano in question is not particularly old, though old is of course a relative term. It is doubtful that the lady is actually planning to play the piano - in those heels? In fact, in those heels it is doubtful that she is capable of doing anything very productive, even walking, which is perhaps why she is sat on the piano stool.

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Hanging On The Telephone - Blondie 
Tuesday, 11 December, 2012, 12:18 - Singles Of The 1970s
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blondie hanging on the telephone 1What is it with Ms Debbie Harry and her band Blondie that they feel the need to sing songs that are so often connected with telephony apparatus. In this 1978 song, we find Ms Harry 'Hanging On The Telephone'. And once again, the person responsible for putting together the artwork for the cover of the single has missed the fact that the song is about telephones and that no telephone is present. Ms Harry seems to be stood around waiting for something, but the phone that she should be holding is completely absent from the picture. She doesn't seem very patient in her waiting as her pose suggests that she is by now quite fed up with being on the end of the line, not that the line is visible.

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blondie hanging on the telephone 2In this revised version of the cover for the single, Ms Harry has disappeared but has been replaced by another lady. In this case, it seems that the lady had just got out of the shower or maybe was in the middle of getting changed to go out and did not have time to get properlyt dressed before the phone rang. Now she is hanging on the end of the line waiting for someone or other and may be getting quite cold in the process, given her abject lack of clothing. The inclusion of the actual telephone on the cover, however, now provides a much better illustration of what Ms Harry is singing about and provides a much greater incentive to call the lady concerned than did the original artwork.

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Call Me - Spagna 
Monday, 10 December, 2012, 12:23 - Singles Of The 1980s
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call me spagna 1What would you know? Blondie were not the only band to have a hit with a song called Call Me in the 1980s. Italian pop princess (or weirdo by the look of her) Spagna (short for Spaghetti with Lasagna apparently) had a song of the very same name. It seems rather possible that the people responsible for producing the cover art for Spagna's song were as hopeless as those responsible for the artwork for Blondie's song as, guess what, there is no telephone in sight. How are we supposed to call Spaghasagna to tell her that she is supposed to eat pasta, not use it as some kind of hair product? It may also be the case that she has used Bolognese sauce for lipstick and as for the rest of her make-up, clearly Italy was not the place to be for good looking women in the late 80s.

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call me spagna 2The new cover for Spagnettina (or whatever she is called) now has the critical factor in that the lady in the picture is holding a telephone in her hand. She appears to be listening to something - perhaps someone has left her a voicemail message. What is a bit odd, is the fact that all her clothes appear to have fallen off. Either that, or she never put any clothes on in the morning. Perhaps she has bad amnesia and the call is from her boyfriend (looking like that she must surely have one) to remind her to get dressed before dashing out of the house to go and work in the local restaurant. Whatever, we should probably be grateful for her amnesia otherwise we would not have this view of her magnificent boobs. Is there any other word for them?

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Call Me - Blondie 
Sunday, 9 December, 2012, 12:12 - Singles Of The 1980s
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call me blondie 1Despite it still being December, the Christmas theme has been temporarily paused to deal with lots of songs to do with telephones. This 1980 song from New York new wave popsters Blondie is called Call Me. Not 'maybe' but definitely. The cover sees Debbie Harry (later called Deborah Harold for some reason) sitting on the floor in what can only be presumed to be a black leather jacket. There is a key element missing from this cover, and that is any sign of a telephone. How can a song be called 'Call Me' without a telephone or some other type of communication apparatus being visible with which to make the call? The mind boggles at the lack of imagination of those responsible for preparing the singles cover artwork of the 1980s.

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call me blondie 2The revised version does not, in case you were wondering, feature a photograph of the previously mentioned Ms Harry/Harold/Whatever. Instead a young lady is pictured but very very importantly for a song called Call Me, she is holding a telephone. For some reason, all of her clothes seem to have fallen off and it it was not for the rather large 1980s telephone that she is holding in her hand, we would know far too much about the shaving habits of this poor girl. Actually, there is no reason to suppose that she is poor, and indeed anyone who had a telephone in the 1980s and could afford to hold lengthy conversations whilst naked, was perhaps better off than her lack of available clothes would lead you to presuppose.

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Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepson 
Saturday, 8 December, 2012, 12:58 - Singles Of The 2010s
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call me maybe carly rae j 1Was this the best (selling) song of 2012? Was this the most popular song of 2012? Who knows? Someone does! Carly Rae Jepson's epic pop song Call Me Maybe was certainly heard on every radio station across the country, even those who only play country, such was it's popularity. The cover sees Ms Jepson squatting down in a pair of shorts and tan colored high heel shoes. She also wears this outfit in the video which is a cutesy story of how she is keen for some guy to call her and tries to give him her number, only to discover that he is gay and that he is more interested in the band's drummer than in her. Maybe she didn't try hard enough with her outfit and had she worn something a little sexier, she might have secured the affections of the male.

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call me maybe carly rae j 2Clearly the lady on the revised cover of Call Me Maybe is not Ms Jepson, and nor does she have the same kind of cutesy teenager-in-love look. What she does appear to have are some rather large and fulsome boobs which are only covered by the cord of the telephone handset. In fact the whole of her seems to only have the twirly cord for cover. That and a strategically placed hand and the rather retro looking telephone itself. Now this is much more like the kind of outfit to wear if you are going to tempt some hopelessly bisexual guy to put down the drummer and make a beeline for you. Don't you think?

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Last Christmas - Wham! 
Friday, 7 December, 2012, 12:48 - Singles Of The 1980s, Christmas Crackers
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wham last christmas 1As it's December, the Holiday theme is continuing right on with another of those songs that only comes out at this time of year. Last Christmas by British group Wham! sees George Michael and his buddy rueing the fact that last year they gave their hearts to someone or other, but the next day those self-same hearts were given away. Presumably to charity. Anyhow, this year, to save them from tears, they are going to give them to someone special. Presumably last year's recipient was not special which was what caused the problem in the first place. The cover sees the Wham! duo dressed in festive outfits (one as a reindeer and the other in the usual Santa lookalike kit) holding presents in the snow. How Christmassy.

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wham last christmas 2What we see in the updated version are the recipients of last year's hearts. It is reasonably clear to see why the Wham! boys were attracted to these two ladies and what might therefore have caused them to give their hearts away. It is also not too difficult to see that they are also not particularly special, and have the kind of smile which just screams, "Don't give me your heart, you idiot, because I will take it to the charity outlet as soon as the sun rises." You can tell they're not that special as their Holiday outfits are green and not red, which is both erroneous (only elves where green, humans should wear red) and would have jarred badly with the boys' outfits.

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