White Lines (Don't Do It) - Grandmaster Flash And Melle Mel 
Wednesday, 9 January, 2013, 12:28 - Singles Of The 1980s
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grandmaster flash and melle white lines 1Three flashes in a row, anyone might start believing that there was some logic in the apparently random songs picked to appear. Anyone would be largely wrong. The cover for this 1983 song by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel fails on the same front that many other covers do. Firstly, the band members are nowhere to be seen, and secondly the picture included in on the cover art has no White Lines on it. The titles are shown as if they have been printed on various different bits of paper and then ripped up and stuck together and this does leave a few White Lines, but not really enough to qualify.

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grandmaster flash and melle white lines 2And here's another thing: what on earth are they going on about in the song. Something like a phenomenon baby? What is, some desolate urban scene with graffiti? Hardly now. So the cover has been revised to show a phenomenal young white lady who has obviously had her bikini on whilst sunbathing and has now come inside to cool off. Unfortunately for her, having taken off her bikini, she has revealed the white lines it has left. Silly girl. If only she'd listened to the Grandmaster she'd have been told not to do it. Only one thing left to say about the fact that her white lines go a long way, and that is: Rang dang diggedy dang-a-dang.

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Flashdance (What A Feeling) - Irene Cara 
Tuesday, 8 January, 2013, 12:49 - Singles Of The 1980s
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irene cara flashdance 1Oooh, what a feelin', when you're dancin' on the seelin'. No, not that one, that's Lionel Richie you're thinking of. This is the Oooh, what a feelin', feel's believin'. From the 1983 film Flashdance (whose name is most probably taken from this sing) no less, the cover sees some dancing type in leg-warmers sitting on the floor. Oddly, she is neither flashin', nor for that matter, feelin', but is just sat there being a bit dull. Grey. Dull. See? But despite this cover art dullness, the film was a rip roaring success. It's about a welder who, well, who dances but doesn't flash, unless the flash relates to the light from her arc-welding lamp. Yawn.

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irene cara flashdance 2Still here? Well let's hope this updated version provides you with the zing you need to relive those halcyon moments from the film. The dull welding girl type has been replaced by a dancer who seems to fit into her leg warmers in an altogether more pleasing manner. Some may argue that it would have been more pleasing if she had been in the altogether, but that's not how AllBum.Art rolls. And it's clear that the dancer has no rolls either as there doesn't appear to be an ounce of flesh out of place. Is she also a welder? You have to ask yourself whether you really need to know the answer to this question or whether you are content to let such unimportant issues float on the wind like the sparks from an Oxy-Acetelene welding torch.

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Flash - Queen 
Monday, 7 January, 2013, 16:34 - Singles Of The 1980s
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queen flash 1Whilst we are in the realm of the Britannic majesty of Queen, there is one more song that is just gagging to have a cover that reflects it's double-entendre if not triple or quadruple-entendre title and that is Flash. Recently re-popularized by the film Ted, the song is the theme tune to the 1980 movie Flash Gordon. The cover for the single on the other hand is as boring as a discussion on quantum rocket theory would be with Ted's supposed belle Tammy Lynn. That is to say, blue. With a few speckled white bits of dubious origin. And the word 'Queen' in white. And the word 'Flash' in red. Rocket science it ain't.

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queen flash 2Of course there are many picture of ladies 'flashing' that could adorn the revised cover, but only one has the regality and authenticity to grace such a noble cover and that is Ornella Muti who played Princess Aura in the original Flash Gordon movie. Thankfully there are a range of pictures of Ms Muti 'flashing' to choose from, as she has posed for such upmarket and prestigious magazines as Playboy. Here she is flashing some flesh and demonstrating why she was the ideal person to play Mr Gordon's love interest given the odd propensity for all her clothes to just fall off when presented with a stiff ray gun.

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9 To 5 - Sheena Easton 
Friday, 4 January, 2013, 12:40 - Singles Of The 1980s
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sheena easton 9 to 5 1Welcome back to work after the holiday season. And to get back into the mood, here's a song about going to work. A number 1 hit from Scottish songstress Sheena Easton 9 To 5 (which we know best as Morning Train) is all about that monotonous daily grind. Ms Easton is perhaps best know for becoming arm candy for Prince. It's all too easy to forget that she was an artist in her own right. The cover sees Ms Easton in a pink raincoat stood by a clock. Why the raincoat? Who is to say. The question that does matter, is what exactly is she wearing under the raincoat?

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sheena easton 9 to 5 2Wonder no more as AllBum.Art reveal the answer. In fact there's more than just the answer revealed but also the fact that under the pink raincoat, there is nothing and everything to show. Nothing in the sense that there's nothing underneath the raincoat, as opposed to nothing to see. Everything in the sense that there's everything you might expect to see. The oddness of this is that in opening the raincoat a little to give a peek of what lies beneath, Ms Easton's hair and make-up also seem to have changed, as has her body shape. No matter, it's a little clearer to understand what Prince saw in her now.

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Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now - Samantha Fox 
Thursday, 3 January, 2013, 12:27 - Singles Of The 1980s
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samantha fox nothings gonna stop me now 1It's always nice to receive a submission from someone new. This one comes courtesy of Reg Splineby of Grimsby, England. Reg tells us that Samantha Fox was a 'page 3' model in England in the 1980s. Apparently this means that she posed topless for one of the national newspapers. After her modelling career, she went on to have some, limited, chart success in England but was apparently much more popular in Eastern Europe and Russia. This is the cover for her 1987 single Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now in which Samantha does not appear to have followed her own instructions as she has stopped short of stripping off.

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samantha fox nothings gonna stop me now 2Reg has sent us this alternative single cover which shows, as he put it, 'Sam's bountiful assets'. In this version, nothing has stopped her now and she has stripped off to be topless. Reg declines to say any more about Samantha, or what his motivation was for producing this alternative cover, but perhaps a picture speaks a thousand words, and there is really no reason for him to provide added commentary. Not to worry, we can see why Ms Fox might cause a stir, especially if she posed like that in a national newspaper. Maybe the New York Times could take a leaf from the English press with their pictorials. If that was the 1980s it makes you wonder what kind of pictures appear in English newspapers today...

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Happy New Year - ABBA 
Tuesday, 1 January, 2013, 06:59 - Singles Of The 1980s, Christmas Crackers
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aba happy new year 1Hey, hey, time to stop all those silly Christmas songs and get back to work. Maybe not quite. First it's time for New Years Eve parties with all that that entails. This cover is from Swedish songster ABBA's 1980 song Happy New Year. We have the lovely message from the band, wishing us all the best with their signatures and some lovely pictures of them although they look a bit glum. Over here, New Year parties rarely look so serene, though maybe they do in Sweden? Perhaps it's so cold up in the north of Europe, near the arctic circle that being glum is something that happens all winter. Poor ABBA.

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aba happy new year 2Back here, New Years Eve parties are, with the possible exception of Christmas parties, the time to socialize to the max, to drink every last drop of alcohol left over from the festive season and to do whatever you want. Firstly no-one will even notice as they are all too sozzled to see straight, and secondly, if you did do anything embarrassing, you can just claim that (a) you were drunk and don't remember what you did and (b) the acccusator was also drunk and couldn't possibly be remembering correctly what they had seen. That is obviously what is happening with these girls in the revised cover.

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P.S. Following the logic of the above, do not invite tea-totallers to New Year parties, especially if you intend to dance topless with your friends with a glass in your hand. They WILL remember!
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Christmas Time - Bryan Adams 
Friday, 21 December, 2012, 12:52 - Singles Of The 1980s, Christmas Crackers
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bryan adams christmas time 1It seems that so many Festive songs were recorded in the 1970s and 1980s. This 1985 hit comes to us courtesy of Mr Bryan Adams, who is Canadian. The song Christmas Time reached number 4 in the Billboard charts. Like so many songs of this era, it also suffers from a primary problem. In this case, we can see no evidence of Mr Adams himself, nor any evidence of its Canadian origin. In fact, the single cover artwork is very dull indeed and tells us nothing other than that the song is called Christmas Time and that it is by Mr Bryan Adams. The piece of holly and the simulated snowflakes, although adding some air of Christmassiness, do little to sell the single.

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bryan adams christmas time 2As you will now be aware, if you have been following the re-makes of Christmas artwork on AllBum.Art, it is law, in Canada, that at this time of year, women should wear red bikinis trimmed with white fur. It is appropriate then, that the cover should contain a picture of a lady in such an outfit. Appropriate but perhaps a little plain. Instead we see a lady who would be arrested in Canada as her costume lacks the obligatory white fur trim. It also seems that she lacks any sense as she is sat on a table and is holding her panties in her teeth. Maybe someone could let her know that they belong on her bottom which will otherwise get cold. Tut, tut.

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Dancing On The Ceiling - Lionel Richie 
Monday, 17 December, 2012, 12:45 - Albums Of The 1980s, Singles Of The 1980s
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lionel richie dancing on the ceiling 1Ooooh, what a feelin'! When your Dancing On The Ceiling. Too right. A feeling that any second you will fall off and you will hit your head on the floor. But that doesn't seem to deter Mr Richie from encouraging us to join in this rather pointless pass-time. The cover of this 1986 single (and album of the same name) sees Mr Richie in a white suit with his trademark black mustache looking a little as if he has already fallen and hurt his head. Or perhaps he is not smiling as the party is now over and he is having to sit on the floor. Or maybe his frizzy hair got damaged in all the falling off. Either or other way, he could have tried to smile a bit.

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lionel richie dancing on the ceiling 2The lady on the revised album (and single of the same name) cover, unlike Mr Richie, does appear to be dancing on the ceiling, with her legs very definitely up in the air. Sensibly she seems to be propping herself up on the floor to avoid falling and hurting her head. Mind you, in those heels, she would be prone to falling over even if she was dancing on the floor and not the ceiling.

Oh, hang on a cotton picking minute, someone has just turned the picture sideways haven't they? It's just a picture of a girl sat on some stairs that has been rotated. Still, she is pretty, in a sideways sort of a way and unlike Mr Richie, at least she is smiling.

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My Old Piano - Diana Ross 
Wednesday, 12 December, 2012, 12:27 - Singles Of The 1980s
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diana ross my old piano 1Ah, the old piano of Ms Diana Ross. Probably worth a fortune. But alas, it does not appear on the cover of this 1980 single by the erstwhile Ms Ross. What can have happened to it? Perhaps the piano in question is in the photograph that has been used for the cover of the single, but that the artwork director (or whoever it was that was responsible for the design) has used such a close-up of Ms Ross that the piano is lost so far in the background that it is no longer visible. Is it, perhaps, a grand piano, or something smaller. Or could it have been a state-of-the-art electronical piano that could plug directly into a recording desk? In the words of Ms Ross, 'I have a ball with My Old Piano', so perhaps it is somehow broken and needs the ball to fix it which is why it is not in the picture.

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diana ross my old piano 2The updated single cover sees Ms Ross replaced by another lady, who, as far as is evident from the facts at hand, could equally be called Ms Ross, but probably isn't. The new lady (Ms Ross or otherwise) is sat on a piano stool with a piano behind her, now clearly visible in the picture. It seems, though, that the piano in question is not particularly old, though old is of course a relative term. It is doubtful that the lady is actually planning to play the piano - in those heels? In fact, in those heels it is doubtful that she is capable of doing anything very productive, even walking, which is perhaps why she is sat on the piano stool.

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Call Me - Spagna 
Monday, 10 December, 2012, 12:23 - Singles Of The 1980s
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call me spagna 1What would you know? Blondie were not the only band to have a hit with a song called Call Me in the 1980s. Italian pop princess (or weirdo by the look of her) Spagna (short for Spaghetti with Lasagna apparently) had a song of the very same name. It seems rather possible that the people responsible for producing the cover art for Spagna's song were as hopeless as those responsible for the artwork for Blondie's song as, guess what, there is no telephone in sight. How are we supposed to call Spaghasagna to tell her that she is supposed to eat pasta, not use it as some kind of hair product? It may also be the case that she has used Bolognese sauce for lipstick and as for the rest of her make-up, clearly Italy was not the place to be for good looking women in the late 80s.

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call me spagna 2The new cover for Spagnettina (or whatever she is called) now has the critical factor in that the lady in the picture is holding a telephone in her hand. She appears to be listening to something - perhaps someone has left her a voicemail message. What is a bit odd, is the fact that all her clothes appear to have fallen off. Either that, or she never put any clothes on in the morning. Perhaps she has bad amnesia and the call is from her boyfriend (looking like that she must surely have one) to remind her to get dressed before dashing out of the house to go and work in the local restaurant. Whatever, we should probably be grateful for her amnesia otherwise we would not have this view of her magnificent boobs. Is there any other word for them?

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