Rain - Madonna 
Tuesday, 15 January, 2013, 05:58 - Singles Of The 1990s
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madonna rain 1The Madonna song Rain was released in 1993 and was taken from her album Erotica. The album was published together with a book called Sex which showed Ms Ciccone in many shades of undress but this is not reflected in the cover for this single. The cover for Rain has a picture from Ms Ciccone singing in front of a microphone. There is no evidence of precipiation on the cover whatsoever. This is obviously because the picture was taken indoors and whilst it was raining outdoors, this is not apparent due to the intervening walls. At about this time, Madonna appeared to be very into Japanese culture and the picture is therefore most likely to have been taken on the stage in a Karaoke bar which is perhaps why it is a little blurry.

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madonna rain 2The song remains very popular in Japan to this day and is often sung in karaoke bars including the increasingly popular naked karaoke bars (such as the 'Lamp Turtle Song House' bar in Tokyo). In the revised cover, the picture of Ms Ciccone has clearly had her go at singing and the next singer has taken the stage. Whether this is at the Lamp Turtle Song House or a different naked karaoke bar is unclear, however what is clear is that the new singer is naked (or at least is most likely to be as there is no evidence of clothing). Again, the question of whether or not it is raining does not have a definitive answer but if it was raining when Ms Ciccone was on stage and this is the next singer, unless it was a very short, sharp shower, the downfall outside must still be continuing.

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Umbrella - Rihanna 
Monday, 14 January, 2013, 05:54 - Singles Of The 2000s
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rihanna umberella 1Rihanna's 2007 hit Umbrella was arguably the biggest selling song of 2007 in most countries around the world. The chorus's refrain of 'you can stand under by umber ella, ella, ella, hey, hey, hey, under my umber ella, ella, ella, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey' marks what must be the pinnacle of lyric writing being second only to the lyrics from LL Cool J's 2003 song Paradise which includes the line 'Belly to belly, one hand on the jelly, at the telly on the celly, get that money Ellie' - truly masterful words. The cover of the single has Ms Fenty posing with, guess what, an umber ella ella ella, hey hey hey. It seems someone has thrown a bucket of water at her and whilst in the picture she appears to be dry, she must surely have gotten soaked when the water hit as her umber ella ella ella, hey hey hey, is far too weedy to deal with that level of precipitation.

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rihanna umberella 2Now obviously, the cover of Ms Fenty's single ticks every possible box in that it shows Ms Fenty, and an umber ella ella ella, hey hey hey. There is not much that can be done to improve upon this. But the song does lead itself to having its cover replaced by some alternatives and that is what AllBum.Art is all about. In this first revision, Ms Fenty has been replaced by a different lady (though arguably Ms Fenty is no lady). The new lady (though arguably in that get-up she is no lady either) is carrying an umbrella but little else. It appears she may have been wearing something at some point as she is holding a skimpy piece of cloth in a strategic position to cover her modesty. Or perhaps she had got wet from some rain and as a result had used a cloth to dry herself. What is certain is that her umbrella seems more robust than that of Ms Fenty. Conversely, if she does get wet, she would presumably dry more quickly.

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rihanna umberella 3This second revision of the cover is unusual for many reasons. Firstly, the girl pictured seems to think that walking naked in the snow in high heels is a good idea. Actually there are several schools of though on this issue and whilst some argue that it is just plain stupid to be out in freezing and icy conditions in high heels, others argue that the stiletto heel can penetrate snow and provide additional grip (as crampons do for climbers on icy mountains). Secondly, most people tend not to use umbrellas in the snow. It's not that they don't work, just that people forget that snow melts and is just frozen rain. In this respect she is perhaps quite sensible. The fact that the rim of her umbrella matches her shoes is a nice touch. The fact that she is almost completely naked in a park full of snow demonstrates, on the other hand, that she is clearly missing something - and not just her clothes. She will catch a nasty chill like that.

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Singin' In The Rain - Gene Kelly 
Sunday, 13 January, 2013, 05:43 - Singles Released Before 1960
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singin in the rain 1Do de do doo, doo de do de do doody... Few people on the planet Earth are unfamiliar with this classic song, especially the version sung by Gene Kelly. Singin' In The Rain is the song that has come to represent the state of being happy-go-lucky whilst walking around outside and being drenched by pouring precipitation. The song was written in 1929 but became famous in 1952 when it was the title track to the film of the same name. There wasn't really a cover for the single as such, but there has been a cover produced for the DVD of the film that has been adapted to act as a cover for the song. In it we see three characters from the film, in raincoats and with umbrellas who are happily splashing their way through the rain.

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singin in the rain 2The original cover is now over 60 years old (or at least the film is) and so it is rife for modernization. The modernized cover has done away with the three characters from the film, who have been replaced by a single lady (single in this sense meaning that there is just one of her, as it is likely that a lady with her assets and gregariousness must have a boyfriend). The lady is also wearing a raincoat and has an umbrella but unlike Mr Kelly and his ilk, she is also wearing a pair of kinky high heeled yellow boots, a yellow PVC thong, and, it would appear, little else. What seems clear is that she is happy in this outfit and that should it begin to rain, she would remain upbeat though no doubt would get a little cold if the temperature dropped too low.

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Naked In The Rain - Blue Pearl 
Saturday, 12 January, 2013, 05:39 - Singles Of The 1990s
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blue pearl naked in rain 1As titles for songs go, the 1990 hit from Blue Pearl called Naked In The Rain is like a red rag to a bull when it comes to possible twists on the cover art for the single. The original cover shows a blue pearl, which is one of the rarest colours of pearl. The pearl is sat amidst some material which appears to be silk and is also blue in colour. It could be argued that as the pearl is not covered up, it is naked. There is no rain though and although the title of the song is Naked In The Rain, the lyrics make it quite clear that the idea is to go 'dancing naked in the rain'. Pearls, being blobs of calcium carbonate, are unlikely to be able to go dancing and thus the cover of the single, whilst a good attempt, does fail to reflect the charisma of the song.

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blue pearl naked in rain 2In the revised version, we find a naked girl (or at least she appears naked from the waist upwards, and it must therefore be presumed, especially as she is clearly quite wet, that she hasn't bothered to dress at all). The naked girl is standing in what looks like rain, though given the fact that it is dark, it is not clear whether this is real rain or simulated rain. Either way, water is pouring in drops and covering her body. Is she dancing? Well, she's not having a shower (you can tell because she isn't all soapy and her pose is not one that is normally associated with showering). She may not be dancing, but she is striking a pose so maybe she is dancing to Madonna's Vogue? There does not appear to be a pearl in the picture, but that is not the case - the naked girl is called 'Pearl' and is clearly a precious jewel too.

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Heartbreaker - Mariah Carey 
Friday, 11 January, 2013, 12:02 - Singles Of The 1990s
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mariah carey heartbreaker 1Tink Delorio writes to us from New York (birthplace of Mariah Carey). He says:

It's not often that the cover of a single leaves little to be improved upon. But as Mariah is so cute and has great boobs which are virtually on full display, the cover of the single Heartbreaker should be honored on your site as one that needs no forbetterance.

First off, is 'Tink' really your name. Isn't it short for something. Second, is 'forbetterance' a word?

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mariah carey heartbreaker 2If you are trying to say that you think Mariah is cute and you are happy not to see her tits, then go Tink. But to suggest that there is no forbetterance to be had is pure fortinkerollox (not a great word but you get the idea). What if the lady were not Mariah but someone even more curvy? And what if her t-shirt was pulled up so far that her (exceptionally large) tits were much more visible? Wouldn't that make the cover far, far, better? Such a cover would look something like that on the right, see? Now Tink, doesn't that deliver you the forbetterance you seek?

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Chiquitita - ABBA 
Thursday, 10 January, 2013, 12:51 - Singles Of The 1970s
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abba chiquitita 1The cover from this 1978 single by Swedish songsters ABBA has their pictures on it. That ticks a great big box. But there remains one enormous problem with the cover and with the single itself. The cover does not explain what the fück a Chiquitita actually is. The lyrics are veiled in mystery with lines such as 'shine once more, like you did before'. Thankfully the guy who sits three doors down says he speaks Swedish and claims that 'chiq' is just Swedish for 'chic' and that 'tita' (which apparently should be written 'titå' but presumably has been simplified for English speaking audiences) means tits.

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abba chiquitita 2To help those who don't speak Swedish to understand the song, it would be much more useful if the cover contained a picture of 'chiq's showing us their 'titå', then those crazy Swedes and their off-beat lyrics would be much easier to understand. Of course, that can be fixed, and on the new cover we see two chiqs who are obviously Swedish because they appear to be naked, they are in a sauna, and just like ABBA, one of them is a blonde and the other a brunette. And the fact that they are naked means we can see their titå.

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P.S. A guy a bit further down the corridor claims that Chiquitita is Spanish for 'little girl' but this makes no sense and so the Swedish translation will, from hereforth, be adopted as the only true meaning.
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White Lines (Don't Do It) - Grandmaster Flash And Melle Mel 
Wednesday, 9 January, 2013, 12:28 - Singles Of The 1980s
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grandmaster flash and melle white lines 1Three flashes in a row, anyone might start believing that there was some logic in the apparently random songs picked to appear. Anyone would be largely wrong. The cover for this 1983 song by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel fails on the same front that many other covers do. Firstly, the band members are nowhere to be seen, and secondly the picture included in on the cover art has no White Lines on it. The titles are shown as if they have been printed on various different bits of paper and then ripped up and stuck together and this does leave a few White Lines, but not really enough to qualify.

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grandmaster flash and melle white lines 2And here's another thing: what on earth are they going on about in the song. Something like a phenomenon baby? What is, some desolate urban scene with graffiti? Hardly now. So the cover has been revised to show a phenomenal young white lady who has obviously had her bikini on whilst sunbathing and has now come inside to cool off. Unfortunately for her, having taken off her bikini, she has revealed the white lines it has left. Silly girl. If only she'd listened to the Grandmaster she'd have been told not to do it. Only one thing left to say about the fact that her white lines go a long way, and that is: Rang dang diggedy dang-a-dang.

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Flashdance (What A Feeling) - Irene Cara 
Tuesday, 8 January, 2013, 12:49 - Singles Of The 1980s
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irene cara flashdance 1Oooh, what a feelin', when you're dancin' on the seelin'. No, not that one, that's Lionel Richie you're thinking of. This is the Oooh, what a feelin', feel's believin'. From the 1983 film Flashdance (whose name is most probably taken from this sing) no less, the cover sees some dancing type in leg-warmers sitting on the floor. Oddly, she is neither flashin', nor for that matter, feelin', but is just sat there being a bit dull. Grey. Dull. See? But despite this cover art dullness, the film was a rip roaring success. It's about a welder who, well, who dances but doesn't flash, unless the flash relates to the light from her arc-welding lamp. Yawn.

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irene cara flashdance 2Still here? Well let's hope this updated version provides you with the zing you need to relive those halcyon moments from the film. The dull welding girl type has been replaced by a dancer who seems to fit into her leg warmers in an altogether more pleasing manner. Some may argue that it would have been more pleasing if she had been in the altogether, but that's not how AllBum.Art rolls. And it's clear that the dancer has no rolls either as there doesn't appear to be an ounce of flesh out of place. Is she also a welder? You have to ask yourself whether you really need to know the answer to this question or whether you are content to let such unimportant issues float on the wind like the sparks from an Oxy-Acetelene welding torch.

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Flash - Queen 
Monday, 7 January, 2013, 16:34 - Singles Of The 1980s
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queen flash 1Whilst we are in the realm of the Britannic majesty of Queen, there is one more song that is just gagging to have a cover that reflects it's double-entendre if not triple or quadruple-entendre title and that is Flash. Recently re-popularized by the film Ted, the song is the theme tune to the 1980 movie Flash Gordon. The cover for the single on the other hand is as boring as a discussion on quantum rocket theory would be with Ted's supposed belle Tammy Lynn. That is to say, blue. With a few speckled white bits of dubious origin. And the word 'Queen' in white. And the word 'Flash' in red. Rocket science it ain't.

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queen flash 2Of course there are many picture of ladies 'flashing' that could adorn the revised cover, but only one has the regality and authenticity to grace such a noble cover and that is Ornella Muti who played Princess Aura in the original Flash Gordon movie. Thankfully there are a range of pictures of Ms Muti 'flashing' to choose from, as she has posed for such upmarket and prestigious magazines as Playboy. Here she is flashing some flesh and demonstrating why she was the ideal person to play Mr Gordon's love interest given the odd propensity for all her clothes to just fall off when presented with a stiff ray gun.

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Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen 
Sunday, 6 January, 2013, 12:04 - Singles Of The 1970s
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fat bottomed girls queen 1If ever there was a single made specially to suit AllBum.Art it has to be Fat Bottomed Girls/Bicycle Race. The single was a double A side. In this case A most exquisitely stands for ass and even British pop legends Queen picked up on the irony of their choice of songs for this double A side and placed a picture of a fat bottomed girl riding a bicycle on their cover. There's not really much that can be done to criticize this rather fetching cover, but that does not mean that there isn't an opportunity to modernize it in true AllBum.Art fashion.

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fat bottomed girls queen 2So the question is simply, should the focus be on the fat bottomed nature of the girls sung about, or the bicycle race. Or, as Queen had it, should both be included. In the end, the decision made itself when a Manga character riding a bike appeared in an inappropriately destined Google search and thus the new cover was born. The original 1970s fat bottomed girl has been replaced by a spanking new 2010s version who, though not necessarily having a particularly fat bottom, and who is not strictly a girl (being after all, a cartoon character) is most definitely worthy of a place on the cover of the single. If only all drawings were so delicious, let alone there being such delightful creatures in real life!

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