My Old Piano - Diana Ross 
Wednesday, 12 December, 2012, 12:27 - Singles Of The 1980s
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diana ross my old piano 1Ah, the old piano of Ms Diana Ross. Probably worth a fortune. But alas, it does not appear on the cover of this 1980 single by the erstwhile Ms Ross. What can have happened to it? Perhaps the piano in question is in the photograph that has been used for the cover of the single, but that the artwork director (or whoever it was that was responsible for the design) has used such a close-up of Ms Ross that the piano is lost so far in the background that it is no longer visible. Is it, perhaps, a grand piano, or something smaller. Or could it have been a state-of-the-art electronical piano that could plug directly into a recording desk? In the words of Ms Ross, 'I have a ball with My Old Piano', so perhaps it is somehow broken and needs the ball to fix it which is why it is not in the picture.

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diana ross my old piano 2The updated single cover sees Ms Ross replaced by another lady, who, as far as is evident from the facts at hand, could equally be called Ms Ross, but probably isn't. The new lady (Ms Ross or otherwise) is sat on a piano stool with a piano behind her, now clearly visible in the picture. It seems, though, that the piano in question is not particularly old, though old is of course a relative term. It is doubtful that the lady is actually planning to play the piano - in those heels? In fact, in those heels it is doubtful that she is capable of doing anything very productive, even walking, which is perhaps why she is sat on the piano stool.

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Hanging On The Telephone - Blondie 
Tuesday, 11 December, 2012, 12:18 - Singles Of The 1970s
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blondie hanging on the telephone 1What is it with Ms Debbie Harry and her band Blondie that they feel the need to sing songs that are so often connected with telephony apparatus. In this 1978 song, we find Ms Harry 'Hanging On The Telephone'. And once again, the person responsible for putting together the artwork for the cover of the single has missed the fact that the song is about telephones and that no telephone is present. Ms Harry seems to be stood around waiting for something, but the phone that she should be holding is completely absent from the picture. She doesn't seem very patient in her waiting as her pose suggests that she is by now quite fed up with being on the end of the line, not that the line is visible.

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blondie hanging on the telephone 2In this revised version of the cover for the single, Ms Harry has disappeared but has been replaced by another lady. In this case, it seems that the lady had just got out of the shower or maybe was in the middle of getting changed to go out and did not have time to get properlyt dressed before the phone rang. Now she is hanging on the end of the line waiting for someone or other and may be getting quite cold in the process, given her abject lack of clothing. The inclusion of the actual telephone on the cover, however, now provides a much better illustration of what Ms Harry is singing about and provides a much greater incentive to call the lady concerned than did the original artwork.

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Call Me - Spagna 
Monday, 10 December, 2012, 12:23 - Singles Of The 1980s
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call me spagna 1What would you know? Blondie were not the only band to have a hit with a song called Call Me in the 1980s. Italian pop princess (or weirdo by the look of her) Spagna (short for Spaghetti with Lasagna apparently) had a song of the very same name. It seems rather possible that the people responsible for producing the cover art for Spagna's song were as hopeless as those responsible for the artwork for Blondie's song as, guess what, there is no telephone in sight. How are we supposed to call Spaghasagna to tell her that she is supposed to eat pasta, not use it as some kind of hair product? It may also be the case that she has used Bolognese sauce for lipstick and as for the rest of her make-up, clearly Italy was not the place to be for good looking women in the late 80s.

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call me spagna 2The new cover for Spagnettina (or whatever she is called) now has the critical factor in that the lady in the picture is holding a telephone in her hand. She appears to be listening to something - perhaps someone has left her a voicemail message. What is a bit odd, is the fact that all her clothes appear to have fallen off. Either that, or she never put any clothes on in the morning. Perhaps she has bad amnesia and the call is from her boyfriend (looking like that she must surely have one) to remind her to get dressed before dashing out of the house to go and work in the local restaurant. Whatever, we should probably be grateful for her amnesia otherwise we would not have this view of her magnificent boobs. Is there any other word for them?

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Call Me - Blondie 
Sunday, 9 December, 2012, 12:12 - Singles Of The 1980s
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call me blondie 1Despite it still being December, the Christmas theme has been temporarily paused to deal with lots of songs to do with telephones. This 1980 song from New York new wave popsters Blondie is called Call Me. Not 'maybe' but definitely. The cover sees Debbie Harry (later called Deborah Harold for some reason) sitting on the floor in what can only be presumed to be a black leather jacket. There is a key element missing from this cover, and that is any sign of a telephone. How can a song be called 'Call Me' without a telephone or some other type of communication apparatus being visible with which to make the call? The mind boggles at the lack of imagination of those responsible for preparing the singles cover artwork of the 1980s.

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call me blondie 2The revised version does not, in case you were wondering, feature a photograph of the previously mentioned Ms Harry/Harold/Whatever. Instead a young lady is pictured but very very importantly for a song called Call Me, she is holding a telephone. For some reason, all of her clothes seem to have fallen off and it it was not for the rather large 1980s telephone that she is holding in her hand, we would know far too much about the shaving habits of this poor girl. Actually, there is no reason to suppose that she is poor, and indeed anyone who had a telephone in the 1980s and could afford to hold lengthy conversations whilst naked, was perhaps better off than her lack of available clothes would lead you to presuppose.

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Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepson 
Saturday, 8 December, 2012, 12:58 - Singles Of The 2010s
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call me maybe carly rae j 1Was this the best (selling) song of 2012? Was this the most popular song of 2012? Who knows? Someone does! Carly Rae Jepson's epic pop song Call Me Maybe was certainly heard on every radio station across the country, even those who only play country, such was it's popularity. The cover sees Ms Jepson squatting down in a pair of shorts and tan colored high heel shoes. She also wears this outfit in the video which is a cutesy story of how she is keen for some guy to call her and tries to give him her number, only to discover that he is gay and that he is more interested in the band's drummer than in her. Maybe she didn't try hard enough with her outfit and had she worn something a little sexier, she might have secured the affections of the male.

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call me maybe carly rae j 2Clearly the lady on the revised cover of Call Me Maybe is not Ms Jepson, and nor does she have the same kind of cutesy teenager-in-love look. What she does appear to have are some rather large and fulsome boobs which are only covered by the cord of the telephone handset. In fact the whole of her seems to only have the twirly cord for cover. That and a strategically placed hand and the rather retro looking telephone itself. Now this is much more like the kind of outfit to wear if you are going to tempt some hopelessly bisexual guy to put down the drummer and make a beeline for you. Don't you think?

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Last Christmas - Wham! 
Friday, 7 December, 2012, 12:48 - Singles Of The 1980s, Christmas Crackers
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wham last christmas 1As it's December, the Holiday theme is continuing right on with another of those songs that only comes out at this time of year. Last Christmas by British group Wham! sees George Michael and his buddy rueing the fact that last year they gave their hearts to someone or other, but the next day those self-same hearts were given away. Presumably to charity. Anyhow, this year, to save them from tears, they are going to give them to someone special. Presumably last year's recipient was not special which was what caused the problem in the first place. The cover sees the Wham! duo dressed in festive outfits (one as a reindeer and the other in the usual Santa lookalike kit) holding presents in the snow. How Christmassy.

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wham last christmas 2What we see in the updated version are the recipients of last year's hearts. It is reasonably clear to see why the Wham! boys were attracted to these two ladies and what might therefore have caused them to give their hearts away. It is also not too difficult to see that they are also not particularly special, and have the kind of smile which just screams, "Don't give me your heart, you idiot, because I will take it to the charity outlet as soon as the sun rises." You can tell they're not that special as their Holiday outfits are green and not red, which is both erroneous (only elves where green, humans should wear red) and would have jarred badly with the boys' outfits.

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Merry Christmas - Mariah Carey 
Thursday, 6 December, 2012, 12:38 - Albums Of The 1990s, Christmas Crackers
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mariah carey merry christmas 1Mariah Carey's 1994 album 'Merry Christmas' contains, amongst other songs, probably the most famous (and some would argue the most annoying) Holiday hit, 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'. The opening strains of 'Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding, Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding' are enough to send most people dashing for the volume control on their radios, some to turn the song up, some to turn the song down. On the cover we see Ms Carey kneeling in the snow in a Christmassy red jumpsuit. It would certainly be cold on the legs to do that, and it leads you to wonder whether the picture was taken in a studio and then massaged electronically. The wonders of modern technology.

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mariah carey merry christmas 2In this first revision to the cover of the album, we see a different lady, and not Ms Carey herself, but someone else in the same pose. Instead of wearing the red cat suit, she has instead opted for a red bikini with white trimming (perhaps she is Canadian). Presumably this costume would be even colder than that worn by Ms Carey and as such, the lady in the picture would have spent even less time in the freezing coldness of the outside. Or perhaps this was taken indoors and the picture somehow massaged electronically as well. The wonders of modern technology!

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mariah carey merry christmas 3In this final re-make of the cover of Ms Carey's Christmas album, Ms Carey has been replaced by a cartoon character instead of a real person. This is not the first time such a thing has happened, and many pop stars have found themselves cartooned in some form or another. In this case the cartoon in question is wearing a similar red jumpsuit to Ms Carey but it is open at the top revealing what, for any cartoon, is quite an impressive bust. The name of the lady is not know, however as she is a cartoon character it seems only right that she should have a name, and thus she will henceforth be known as 'Christmas Lady with Busty Jumpsuit', or perhaps 'Clara Christmas' or maybe 'Mrs Booblay' (the latter of course, only applicable if she is Canadian).

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White Christmas - Bing Crosby 
Wednesday, 5 December, 2012, 12:35 - Singles Released Before 1960, Christmas Crackers
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white christmas bing crosby 1Apparently, White Christmas as sung by Mr Bing Crosby is the best selling single of all time. There could be many reasons for this, for example:
  • It is played every Christmas, and is very popular, and will therefore have been purchased many times over.
  • It is the quintessential Christmas song and one which everyone wants in their collection, and will therefore have been purchased many times over.
  • It was made in 1941 and is so old that nearly 5 generations have had a chance to buy it, and it will therefore have been purchased many times over.
One thing that is clear though, is that unless you happen to like smiling crooners of the 1940s wearing holly for a bow tie, the cover of the single did not itself lead to many of those sales.

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white christmas bing crosby 2The younger generation are not normally drawn to pictures of old singers in sweaters, bobble-hats and with holly around their neck and it therefore seems possible that Mr Crosby's classic may fall from favor which would, of course be a crime. The cover of the single has therefore been revised by AllBum.Art to bring it up to date with modern seasonal standards. Instead of the smiling face of Mr Crosby, we see the smiling face of a young lady in a white bra, stood in front of a white Christmas tree. Of course, even this lady will eventually grow old but for now this represents a much more modern cover for the melodic winter classic.

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The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole 
Tuesday, 4 December, 2012, 12:27 - Singles Released Before 1960, Christmas Crackers
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nat king cole the xmas song 1As the Holiday season is fast approaching, it seems right to focus on seasonal songs, especially those that have stood the test of time. The Christmas Song, first recorded by Mr Nat King Cole in 1946 is one of those Christmas classics. Everyone knows the lyrics which revolve around Mr King Cole roasting chestnuts on an open fire. It is note clear whose chestnuts he is roasting (they could be his own or that of a guest who has called in to visit and brought them along), but the idea of an open fire and the chocolatey smooth voice of Mr Cole at Christmas time is enough to warm anyone's chestnuts.

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nat king cole the xmas song 2Through extensive research, it appears that it was in fact a rather sexy model whose chestnuts Mr King was attempting to roast. This alternative cover for the single shows the real situation. It is also possible that the chestnuts are metaphorical and are a saucy reference to the nuts on this lady's chest which are perilously close to the open fire such that they will no doubt be getting roasting hot. Then again, one suspects that in the presence of this lady, most things will get roasting hot. On the other hand, without the open fire, one wonders whether she would be racing to display her chestnuts as amply as she is doing here.

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Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee 
Monday, 3 December, 2012, 12:17 - Singles Released Before 1960, Christmas Crackers
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rockin round the xmas treeContinuin' with the Christmas theme, this time it is the turn of that Holiday classic, Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree. Though many versions of the song have been recorded over the years, this particular artwork is taken from the 1957 version sung by Brenda Lee, which many consider to be the original. In this cover, we see Ms Lee herself in a green dress set against a green background - not particularly inventive as color schemes go. It is fair to say that she doesn't look as if she is particularly full of seasonal spirit. But perhaps in Georgia from where Ms Lee originates, wearing a pretty dress is as much as anyone can afford to do and the idea of Santa hats or elf outfits is beyond folks' everyday means.

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rockin round the xxmas treeIn the revised single cover we see two ladies who are most definitely filled with the spirit of the season. This is evident as they appear to be sat in front of a Christmas tree in only their bikinis, playing in the snow. Without a bit of seasonal spirit to help keep them warm, one would expect them to seek somewhere less chilly to have their photos taken. Red bikinis with white fur are often popular in December, especially in Canada where they are obligatory for all women who are both under the age of 25 and under 125 pounds in weight. This law was enacted in 1925 and is known locally as the 25-25-125 rule. Although now somewhat outmoded, it is still popular and has defied attempts by the modern day legislature to nullify it.

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